A few weeks ago I realized the medication I take for my depression was no longer having its desired effect. It took a very long time to find the right combination and dosage of medication that brought my seratonin levels up to a manageable level (ie, one where I didn’t want to die because I was unable to feel joy, or relax, or not feel overwhelmed and crushed by various stresses and the littlest minutiae of life).
Since that combination of meds is no longer working, I’m in the process of trying alternatives, which takes a while since I have to let my body adjust to each new dosage/medication before I know for sure whether it’s working or not. As a result, my depression has returned and so too has my anxiety. I’m thankful that, although I am currently at the mercy of an unhealthy mind I cannot avoid nor reason against, I at least know this is temporary and with patience, I will find a new combination of meds that will hopefully help me feel better.
For the time being, I thought I would write down some of the stuff I’ve been thinking and feeling. This is what my unmedicated mind is like… although, even with meds, a lot of these thoughts and fears are still very present.
I want to cry but I don’t want to upset anyone. I worry if I let the reality of my misery out into the world, it’ll infect other people. So I pretend and keep it inside. Better I suffer alone than anyone else has to feel how I feel.