What my mind is like

A few weeks ago I realized the medication I take for my depression was no longer having its desired effect. It took a very long time to find the right combination and dosage of medication that brought my seratonin levels up to a manageable level (ie, one where I didn’t want to die because I was unable to feel joy, or relax, or not feel overwhelmed and crushed by various stresses and the littlest minutiae of life).

Since that combination of meds is no longer working, I’m in the process of trying alternatives, which takes a while since I have to let my body adjust to each new dosage/medication before I know for sure whether it’s working or not. As a result, my depression has returned and so too has my anxiety. I’m thankful that, although I am currently at the mercy of an unhealthy mind I cannot avoid nor reason against, I at least know this is temporary and with patience, I will find a new combination of meds that will hopefully help me feel better.

For the time being, I thought I would write down some of the stuff I’ve been thinking and feeling. This is what my unmedicated mind is like… although, even with meds, a lot of these thoughts and fears are still very present.

I want to cry but I don’t want to upset anyone. I worry if I let the reality of my misery out into the world, it’ll infect other people. So I pretend and keep it inside. Better I suffer alone than anyone else has to feel how I feel.

4 thoughts on “What my mind is like

  1. Clayton its uncle Brian l totally get it. lts not easy so many unanswered questions one day at a time,try and stay in the praise mode as much as possible it may not totally clear the mind but it lessens the worse of it.Ypou can buy a product called Gaba at health food store . l found it has helped ,not a cure but has done some positive work daily. Check with apharachist to see if you can mix them with current meds. Keep you’re stick on the ice as red green would say.Sorry lwas not more interactive at omas funeral Again l get it keep going forward its better than buying into the negative . lts not easy being green as kermit the frog used to say but it does take will power to move forward as well.Praying you will find the right combo of meds. Been there done that . Brian

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  2. Clayton-
    I had struggled with anxiety for years and finally did something to help myself by going on medication about a year ago. It gave me my life back and it was like I could breathe again…I’m currently in the process of weaning myself off my daily dose. Combining this with counseling and prayer has done a world of wonders, so there is always hope and plenty of others who have gone down similar paths. If you ever want to share experiences or talk about it, let me know.
    -Ken

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  3. Dear Clayton, I can’t begin to understand the pain you’re in right now but I can say without a doubt that our Lord knows us absolutely. He loves you brother and He knows that you are struggling. Trust Him!!
    The Author and Perfector of your faith!!
    I will be praying for you dear brother!

    Like

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